Jackie wondered why she suggested to Margot that they meet at Beane Brews after the funeral. Merely walking into the place felt like having a bucket of cold water poured over their heads – thanks to the temperature and the crowd. Glancing at the “Tag Us on Insta” sign confirmed Jackie’s suspicion that millennials believed that they invented coffee houses.
“Bloody hell, Margot. I thought this would be quiet, so we could talk.”
Margot was still standing in the doorway fumbling with her i-Phone; Jackie tugged on her arm to get her to walk to their table.
Margot settled into her chair and winced. A pink neon sign was flashing “Selfies Welcome!”
Repositioning herself so that the blinking wouldn’t trigger a migraine, Margot started rearranging the sugar packets, putting them in alphabetical order, repeatedly in a failed effort to contain her nerves before she started speaking.
“I’m just going to say it. Jackie ~ we both know why we are here. If Everley hadn’t gone and killed herself, we ~ the Bereavement Committee ~ would have packed all that food up for her family ….”
Jackie rubbed her forehead, interrupting before Margot could continue.
“Jackson’s. Family. Was. Mortified. And they had NO idea what was going on. They clearly expected y’all to pack up the food leftovers for them. It was horribly awkward, on top of everything else already going on.”
Margot straightened herself on the chair and leaned forward, whispering as if to prevent the disinterested crowd from eavesdropping on the ugly.
“ Jackie – that’s not fair. You know First Baptist has a very active Bereavement Committee. We prepare a luncheon for the family and guests to attend after the graveside service. AND you know I waited over two years before they invited me to be on the committee. I’ve only been a Member for 20 minutes; I can’t go changing everything up! You are not being fair.”
Jackie tersely ordered a latte and glared at her oldest friend.
“I don’t think I’m being UNFAIR. I am being HUMAN.”
Margot was exasperated. “Jackson’s people aren’t from here – otherwise they would have known how this works! It is not up to me! If the committee thinks highly of the deceased, the leftovers are packed up for the family to take home. When a person kills herself… God, I can barely say it, but, when someone does THAT, usually there isn’t even a luncheon after the funeral.”
Jackie stared at her friend and took deep, cleansing breaths.
Margot continued, “And do you know what? I just cannot understand how a grown woman – and a mother – does that. She abandoned her child, ruined his life. Just plain selfish if you ask me. I mean – school is starting in a week. He needs his mom to help him with all the new school year stuff. Who is going to sign all those damn forms? Whose is going to set up his locker? Jackson certainly doesn’t have time for all that ~ especially now ~ you know how much he travels for work. Every day of that child’s life will be a giant reminder of his mom’s selfishness. I find the whole thing appalling.”
Realizing that deep breathing was not going to assuage her nerves, Jackie’s tone was harsher than she had intended, “You’ve never experienced depression have you?”
Offended that Jackie even asked, Margot replied, “No. I haven’t. I’m not even sure I believe in it.”
“ Wait. What do you mean ~ BELIEVE in it?”
“ Oh come on Jacks! People need to get a grip. Back in the day, people didn’t have time to be depressed. It’s totally a first world problem. The Today Show did a segment about it last month.”
“Did they?” Jackie said with the same enthusiasm she would feel if offering herself up to have a limb amputated or posing for a selfie.
“Yes. They did. And, here is the thing…they make drugs for people like that.”
“Sweet Jesus, Margot!” Jackie took a sip of her lukewarm coffee, surrendering all efforts at exuding calm. “You sound like an ignorant ass, and I know you don’t even realize it!”
Margot’s eyes narrowed like she was suddenly suspicious, if not downright afraid, that she might catch “the Depression.” In spite of glaring at Jackie, Margot kept on talking.
“Well… What do you think really happened?”
Margot’s eyes widened and her voice became a stifled staccato utterance. “What ~ well, you KNOW ~ what pushed Everley over the edge?”
“Margot. She suffered from severe depression off and on for many years. And before you ask, YES. I’m sure she did the things recommended on the Today Show. But it wasn’t enough.”
Jackie took another deep breath and sipped her likely cold latte before beginning,
“Think of it this way. At some point Everley decided her life was just causing more pain for the people she loved the most.”
“Do you think she is in hell? Suicide is a mortal sin.”
Jackie snapped back, “Margot. We are BAPTISTS. We don’t even BELIEVE in Mortal Sin!”
“Well, I can never remember the details. You know my ex-husband was Catholic. And you KNOW what I mean.”
Jackie curled her legs up on her chair and leaned toward the table, holding on to her coffee cup.
“Margot. Here is what I can tell you… When my grandfather had lung cancer. I took care of him until we moved him into hospice. One morning the nurses said he was about to pass-on, so I crawled into bed with him and wrapped my body around his… I just held him and whispered it was ok for him to go.”
Margot’s fidgeting had paused. “Jackie ~ I didn’t know you were there – at the hospice and all.”
Jackie looked away from Margot for a minute before returning her gaze.
“ I had my head laying on his chest. All I can say is suddenly the most amazing rush of warm energy moved through my chest – felt like a wave of pure love – like God reached into my body and hugged out my grandfather, pulling him up and away. I’d never experienced anything like that before but I will never forget how… alive and vibrant I felt. I am sure his soul passed through my body.”
“Jeeze,” murmured Margot.
“And the most unexpected thing is that It wasn’t hard to leave his body – that body in the room, because it was so obvious to me that he was no longer there.
And wherever he went next – that place is good.”
Margot’s face fell, “but what if that can’t happen if a person kills herself?”
Jackie was quiet for a heartbeat or two.
“I believe that everyone gets to experience that. When a person is in pain and wants out, her moment of passing is…”
Margot raised her eyebrows, waiting to see what Jackie was about to say.
“Well, what I know for sure is – regardless of how or why a person dies – it feels like a release. There is nothing surrounding the person but vibrant love, connectedness, and a sense of relief.”
“Relief? What do you mean by ‘a relief?” Margot looked at Jackie expectantly.
“Margot. It’s actually quite simple. It’s just like the relief you feel when you finally take off a shoe that is way too tight and hurting your foot.”
Daughter of Circe 